Dear People Who Neglect To Minimize Ambient Noise When Answering The Phone and/or Answer Unasked Questions,
Please help me understand why you feel the need to listen to your television/radio/screaming child/abusive cohabitant while I'm trying to ask you questions on the phone. It's distracting, annoying, and makes it difficult to hear your responses to my questions. I have chosen not to listen to the radio, watch tv, produce screaming children, or participate in an abusive cohabitation situation, and I do not appreciate being an unwilling participant in your tragic life.
Note that "she got married" is not an adequate (or gramatically correct) response to "what time might be more convenient for us to talk?" Also, when asked to answer using a rating scale, with specific answer options given, please do not use the phrase "well, you see, sometimes..." an then launch into a diatribe about the health of your second cousin's best friend's sister's next-door neighbor.
I understand that your true feelings may not be accurately captured with simple digits, however I am at the mercy of a database designed by a well-meaning, marginally english-speaking, crew of individuals who work in a windowless room in the basement of a non-ADA accesible building in the parking lot of a university hospital in the middle of a godforsaken desert. They do not actually want to know your true feelings, or your opinions, or your second cousin's best friend's sister's next-door neighbor's struggle with emphysema.
They want to keep the biostatisticians upstairs from obstructing the air conditioning vents, and biostatisticians are happy with numbers. Only numbers.
Thank you.
