adventures in heteronormativity, part 2

it just gets worse as you keep going...
welcome to my world.


me: what doing?

John: fighting with my ex via text.
can we make love

me: um, no. i don't even know you, and making love is one of those things i only do with folks I know.

John: what about just sex?

me: maybe, but that would take some more negotiation.
why would i want to have sex with you?

John: because i am nice, and i really need the intimacy right now

me: I'm sure you're very nice, and I'm sure intimacy would feel good, but you're going to need to do a better job of salesmanship than that.
see, i have this terribly fragile yet well-defended little heart, and it's attached to the rest of me, and while I'm as sex-positive as the next girl, i also really don't need an ass-kicking right now.

John: ass kicking? you mean physically?

me: physically and emotionally

John: i dont want to hurt you. i promise you. that is not what i want
i swear on everything.

me: I'm sure you don't. However, me-getting-hurt results from me-being-inauthentic. and while meaningless sex might feel good, i learned in the last week that for me right now, any sex with a boy is bound to have strange head-trips that go along with it.
(my, that's a lot of modifiers)

John: you had sex with a guy in the last week then?

me: not exactly.

John: pleas give me a chance. i really need you to make an exception for me.

me: my sexuality is fairly complicated, and exceptions just don't happen.

John: this is what i need, i really do

me: ever wondered what I might need?
sometimes sex is about what both people need. but you know that. you're a smart boy.
[Ed. note - actually, he's not. but I'm nice.]

John: it is give and take, i know that. but thats what i need, what you need i can try to give also

me: i don't know about that.... I'm not sure if anyone but me can give me what I need right now.

John: then at least help me, if you wont let me help you
please, understand

me: (that's what I mean about authenticity)
sorry, hon. I don't have the energy right now to help anyone but me.

John: all you have to do is lay there
i swear

me: ew.
no.

John: sigh
its not ew

me: yeah, actually, it is.
girl laying there (not enjoying herself), guy fucking her, getting off... that's exploitative and icky.
now, maybe if she's getting paid, it would be different, but the way you've brought it up, it's fuckin' using her body for your own needs, and that's gross.

John: ok. so you dont want me

me: not particularly, no.

John: ok.

me: good luck, man.

John: nothing can help me

me: somehow, i don't feel sorry for you right now. i kinda feel like i should go take a shower.

John: thanks

me: well, you tell a total stranger that all she has to do is lay there...

John: i was trying to make it easy for you, but i said it all wrong. so

me: one in four girls has been raped, y'know.

John: yea, every female in my family has.

me: sex is more complicated than it should be, and it's not fair to anyone, but there it is.

John: leave the rape thing alone, that has nothing to do with me

me: if that's the case, you should know better.
except when you present sex as something someone can do "for" you...

John: i dont feel sorry for you just because youve been raped

me: i could really care less.

John: i know youre used to getting your way with that excuse but
it does not work on me

me: hey, man. I never said i was raped, and I never said i wasn't.

John: i dont want to have sex with you anymore.

me: well, that's good.

John: have a nice life.

me: you too. good luck.


for fuck's sake. is that really how people think sex works? i like to think that this particular guy is just more inept than most, and that somewhere out there exist men who don't think of sex as something like shopping for socks (maybe they're hanging out with the girls who manage that balance of independence and mutual support that's so hard to come by in dyke-world.)

if anyone knows where I can find them, that would be great.