kozonom

things to note:

I'm still crazy about the POI... completely head-over-heels-loony-nuts in love. It's great and I like it.
I may or may not be going to san diego this weekend to go splashy-splashy in the water. it depends if the POI gets locked down by the man, or if they let him loose to play with me.
I'm trying to teach myself colloquial hungarian. My mom's response - "are you bored?"
I'm working 5 jobs - woo hoo!
My bike got stolen :(
The POI is letting me borrow the mountain bike, and it's real real nice :)
Mrs. pigglewiggle is getting new bushings and tires right now.
Connor tried to give himself a tonsillectomy with a cactus and is almost done with his antibiotics.
I have a frog named louie, and his drip system keeps flooding my kitchen.
I talked to the y-chromosome last Friday, and don't need to do that again for another three years.
I'm so very ready to get married and settle down and have babies, it's ridiculous.

I've got the vision of an automobile

and I don't have to worry where I get my next meal, cuz I'm eatin' chicken and I don't have to steal...

It makes me happy when random camp songs get stuck in my head.

Why I'm cheerful:

• The boy dropped the best kind of bombshell on me last night
• I get to see him again today
• I rearranged my furniture
• I'm trying to start a business that will actually go somewhere
• I feel cute
• I attacked my crotch with clippers this morning :)
• I get to go on a field trip to ikea this weekend
• I've had almost as much coffee as I need to feel functional
• The weather is pleasant
• I have an interview for a university job on Tuesday
• I'm feeling positive about grad school
• Computer use is free at the university

Fundamentally, I'm still ridiculous silly-happy-stupid-in-love and so everything seems great.

It's like the best drug ever.

ridiculously-silly-stupid-happy-in-love

..sigh..

good times should be enjoyed, right?

I have an awesome person-of-interest, who already asked me to be his girlfriend.

He's smart, and cute, and funny, and attentive, and employed, and responsible, and kind, and articulate, and self-actualized, and reasonable, and mobile, and everything I could ever have possibly asked for, and I want to keep him for ever and ever and ever. can I just get married and settle down and start having babies right now? please?

Mrs. Pigglewiggle is sooooooooooo happy -- she came back from the shop purring like an elderly-volvo-kitten yesterday. I get to experience a tucson summer with mobile air conditioning, now. hooray!

I have five outstanding applications being reviewed by the university -- I'm hoping real hard that one or more of them calls me in for an interview so I can get going on my grad school plans. I already know what classes I want to take and everything.

It's sunny amd really quite pleasant out.

I'm feeling cute today.

necessary and sufficient conditions

items of note:
-- I'm stupid silly in love, and this time I think I've picked a good one.
-- My morning job is rapidly disappearing, and my afternoon job ends in 4 weeks.
-- It's starting to get hot.
-- I'm beggining to feel desperate about grad school.
-- My dogs are getting stir crazy. I need to find a way for them to have access to their yard.
-- I have amazing friends here.
-- Lexapro is nice.

The Emergency Backup Queer with The Amazing Exploding Head

wow... what a night. ready?

Last night, all of mystudents blew me off 'cause spring break starts today, so casey and I were planning a shopping expedition when she-who-runs-away actually returned my call and agreed to meet me for dinner and a movie tonight. On the expedition, (wherein I found the most amazing lime green silk shirt with pearlescent beading and multi-layered collar), and while casey was trying on boobie-shirts, G#1 got an impulsive text message from me, responded in a timely fashion, and agreed to go to the fabulous courtney robbins show at the wench last night. I belatedly realized that ms. collapsible hand was also planning on being at the show, and began to get nervous about interacting with multiple crushes in the same location.

please note: ominous foreshadowing.

Spectacular shirt purchased, sushi was then procured, and shower was taken. Casey and I showed up at the wench about a quarter after nine, only to find shmeather and girl-who-runs-away sitting in a booth doing their taxes. I guess there are worse places to work on your 1040. Now I'm definitely nervous [crush tally stands at only one, but at least two are soon to arrive], casey picks up on this and gets me beer.

My butt has barely graced the booth across from girl-who-runs-away, and my witty repartee has only just begun, when ms. collapsible hand arrives all alone and looking particularly lithe and sinewy. She too procures beer, and casey (god love her) has begun the time-honored small talk topic of bangle procurement [note: crush tally now two -- at the same booth] when G#1 swaggers on in in her inimitable cocky-slimy-fucking-sexy-redhead-capricorn-bigbutchtop-pissed-off-narcissistic-swoonworthy-dirtydirtydirtybastard-do-me-now way. [crush tally: 3, and I'm a bit of a wreck.]

G#1 and I are catching up in a booth a little bit away from MCH and GWRA... I hate her for the way the can make me completely retarded just by looking at me for a second... when none other but Dr. Jones arrives, wearing a shirt similar to mine and staring at my ass. [crush tally:4, and I don't even know where to start.]

The music started, so we *all* found *a* table and I spent the next four hours of my life letting my crushes buy me drinks, trying to figure out who to flirt with, trying to prevent my head from exploding, and generally being hyperaware of making an ass out of myself. I got three hugs goodnight, a date for tonight, a date for next wednesday, a date for next saturday, a date for the 22nd, my neck bitten, my ear kissed, plenty of alcohol, real nice music, significant eye contact from all angles, and a little bit of a hangover.

And at some point during the evening, I realized that all of my crushes are currently pursuing/being pursued by/sleeping with straight girls... and that makes me the Emergency Backup Dyke. I think when the novelty of the LUG wears off, if there is any justice in the world, they'll realize that there are real live queers who actually have done this before who would be more than happy to do it again with them. Me, in particular.

The question then becomes how enduring the novelty is... G#1 has been through at least four straight girls in the time I've known her, so each one seems to have about a 6 week lifespan (like roundworms, come to think of it). MCH has been with her straight girl for a year, but they don't live in the same time zone and MCH is looking like she's beginning to end it. SWRA also has an out-of-town straight girl, but this will be her last visit here for a while... Dr. Jones has a sort-of straight girl in Flagstaff of recent origin...

Lesbian chic is making it really hard for me to get some action... damn that gina gershon/angelina jolie/sigourney weaver/ani difranco/jodie foster strong powerful women who kick ass and fuck each other and aren't afraid to shave their heads archetype that has finally come closer tot he mainstream where it belongs.

SWRA is going to dinner and a movie with me tonight. Maybe we'll make out.

my give-a-damn's busted

the girl-who-runs-away hasn't called me back yet
my allergies are going crazy
the dumb girl hasn't called either
I won't be able to talk to Mr. Grad School Man until March 28th
I have no purpose to state
I have no firm source of funding
My friends are real nice, though, and my house is slowly getting cleaner
I get to go see Rod and JC play their gee-tars tonight and the cute girl will be there
I think things are getting better

more surreal by the moment

I was just handed three bootleg tapes of Wagner's Ring cycle at the met by a retired gynecologist.

that's odd.

doesn't every letter to the SO include footnotes?

I have a lot to say, and this is the easiest way for me to say it and make sure it all gets out. Please bear with me … I hope it’s not too much trouble.

I really really like you a lot – you’re smart, kind, funny, sexy, cocky, competent, admirable, intense, endearing, and exasperating. Sometimes I think you like me too, maybe for similar reasons. Then again, sometimes I’m pretty sure I just piss you off.

I don’t understand you at all. Can’t read you (never could), can’t predict you, can’t explain you. It’s part of what makes you so appealing and frustrating at the same time. I feel like I’m an open book to you; but the minute I start thinking I might know what’s going on with you it becomes very clear that I’m totally wrong. You don’t make sense to me. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean I feel off balance around you, which is disconcerting.

I’m overwhelmed by your generosity – both tangible and emotional – and I’m feeling like you’ve given more to me than you wanted; like I’m an obligation or an albatross. I don’t want to be an obligation (does anyone?), and I’m scared of albatrosses.

I’m sorry if ask for too much from you. I feel like I must come across as ridiculously needy, energy-sapping, whiny, unpleasant, and creepy. That’s not what I intend. I intend to do whatever it takes to have you in my life in a healthy, respectful, maybe even (dare I say it?) loving way[1]. Apparently I’m not very good at getting what I intend, since right now, I don’t feel like I have it. Maybe that’s because I haven’t been able to articulate exactly what I want, or maybe it’s because you can’t/don’t want to give me what I want. Or maybe something else entirely. I’ll get back to this part.

Right now, I am not sure where I stand with you– how often I can call before you shut me out entirely again (this time for good), when it’s okay for me to see you (just you), when / where you are comfortable being seen with me, if I can ask for sex or if the initiation has to come from you, what I can and cannot say to the other folk(s) you’re seeing, what kinds of interaction aren’t going to send you packing… That’s a long complicated way to say I’m scared and confused. Scared of having fallen for you (again or perhaps still), and confused about what I’m supposed to be doing in all this.

I was floored when you told me out loud that I was “more than a fuck”, and ever since I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what that means. Does it mean I’m a fuck and a friend? Does it mean that I’m a significant fuck in a certain undefined way? Does it mean that I’m someone with whom you are occasionally able to be emotionally available?[2] Your reaction to me thinking I was “just a fuck” was also more than a little surprising. I honestly had no idea that you thought of me as significant like that. I certainly do now (you made it abundantly clear), and maybe that’s what’s making this so weird. The last few days have made me question that feeling of significance… Like I said in one of my phone messages, I think I’m over-reacting and being stupid, I’m sorry to put all this on you and you should probably stop reading if this isn’t making sense. This entire letter is probably going to make everything that much worse, now that I think of it, but hell – I’m almost two pages into it already so I may as well keep going.

If I’m significant to you (and for the vast majority of the time you’ve been acting like I am), then where is the common courtesy? I really don’t want all of your time/energy/attention, despite how much I ask for. When I do ask for your attention at an inconvenient time, I’d much rather be told “no” flat out than put off or ignored. I’d rather hear “I’m really busy for the next few days – I’ll give you a call after Wednesday” than “I’ll call you later. ”[3] Written down, the difference doesn’t seem like much, but when you say it out loud the difference is huge. When I see you out with HB (of whom I really am quite fond), the same common courtesy would dictate that you would say both “hello” and “goodbye” to me. When you don’t do that, I feel insignificant and rejected. “Look, there’s Trevor” followed by “You ready? … I have to go” doesn’t cut it.[4] Insignificant- and rejected-feeling Trevor does not equal happy productive Trevor. And yes, occasionally I am hypersensitive. And yes, you should call me out on it. And no, I really don’t carry grudges, despite popular opinion. But please, at least be polite.

So I thought about everything for a few (or 6 or 8) hours today, and came up with a hypothesis about why you might prefer spending time with just about anyone else to spending time with me. I mean really, if I’m coming across as fucked up and needy and annoying as I think I am[5], of course you would rather spend what little time you have to spare with someone who isn’t those things, and is cute, and low-key, and doesn’t ask for anything from you that you don’t want to give, and explicitly isn’t looking for a relationship, and is just out to have a good time in pretty much the same way you are[6]. Why would any sane person bother herself with the basket case that is me when she can have a relaxing (relatively) stress-free weekend with someone like that? I don’t have a good answer for that, though I do think it captures a little of why I felt threatened by HB initially. Please don’t get defensive: I recognize that this hypothesis is all about my insecurities and my shit that I need to deal with. It’s nothing targeted at HB (or at you, for that matter.) You asked me to tell you what’s in my head and now I’m trying.

The part that doesn’t make sense for me is the combination of the things you do that make me feel like I am significant in your life with my hypothesis above. I can’t reconcile feeling special / important/ cared for with feeling like an unpleasant chore; it makes me wonder if I’m completely misinterpreting everything that has happened (in either go-round) between us that’s made me feel like I have value to you, or if I’m completely off my rocker regarding why you want to spend time with me. That sort of self-doubt is neither helpful nor productive, except insofar as it leads to long drawn-out letters like this one.

Once, we talked about what we both wanted out of this… at that point, if memory serves, you said (among other things) you wanted to have a good time, and weren’t looking for a relationship. I said I didn’t want to get married, and wanted respect. Has anything changed for you? On my end, what I said still holds true, though it needs to be amended and elaborated upon. I do want to be respected, and I’m not looking to settle down with one person who sees only me and live happily ever after with my 2.5 kids and my station wagon and my picket fence of whatever color. At least not now, and maybe not ever.

What has changed, though, is that I want not-getting-married to mean more than just casually dating you. Partly that’s because I don’t know if we could successfully just casually date – I for one have far too much emotional involvement with you already – and partly because I want some more specific boundaries on expectations and behavior. To be clear: I’m explicitly not asking for monogamy, nor do I want us to move in together (I quite like having my own space, thank-you-very-much), and I’m certainly not asking you to call me your girlfriend; that would be weird. I think what I want is to be, in some way, a ‘primary’ person in your life[7]. I can’t say exactly what that looks like, and I don’t know if you’re even interested in exploring the concept with me. I do know that something needs to change between us for me to be okay. I don’t want things to keep going this way with me feeling shitty and you acting grouchy. That’s not even a friendship, much less a non-relationship.

So, yeah. I don’t know what you want – I’m getting mixed signals – and up until now, you couldn’t know what I want since even I didn’t know. If after reading this you’re still interested in talking to me, I’d really like to sit down and figure out where we’re going, regardless of whether or not that leads to me getting what I want. At this point, I’d rather have you in my life in whatever capacity you can be there than not have you in my life at all again. If this is enough for you – if in fact I have pushed you too far yet again, and you’re done, and you would rather this just be over, I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me that right away so I can send you a check and your stuff and then quietly go away without leaving any loose ends to worry about. Hmmm… This is coming out as a sort of ultimatum, which wasn’t at all my intention when I started writing… shit. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to read it this way, but I was trying to construct this as the beginning of a conversation, not an end.[8]

I’m going to repeat that first part I wrote one more time ‘cause I think it’s important that you hear it again… though chances are good it will just push you farther away. I’m really inordinately fond of you. You’ve gotten into my head and my heart and my pants and I can’t sleep without dreaming of you and I can’t work because I’m thinking about you and I wonder and I worry and I daydream – damn you – I can’t even let myself fall in love with you even though that’s right where I’m headed. Do you have any idea how frustrating and soul-consuming and wonderful and terrifying and dizzying that is? You are irreplaceable, and I want you in my life so badly I can taste it. You make my heart race and my palms sweat and my blood pressure skyrocket, and all you have to do is walk into the room.

I don’t know if that clears anything up or just makes it worse, but it feels a little better to get it all down on paper. If that’s not opening myself up, I don’t know how.

Your very own charming basket case,
Trevor
[1] If that last phrase doesn’t send you running away, I don’t know what will. Too bad. I’ve fallen hard for you, and as much as you might detest the word, at this particular moment that comes out as love. Don’t worry; I’m sure it’ll pass. Like a kidney stone. But that’s really why I’m writing all this – because I want you around.

[2] I have a feeling that the answer to all of the above might be yes, but then again, most every time I think I might know your answer I’m wrong.

[3] To be completely honest, either of these is preferable to simply not answering your phone.

[4] Especially when earlier in the week you had mentioned spending time with me in bed this weekend; to anticipate that and then not hear from you all weekend (except when I bumped into you two together at the coffee shop) hurt my feelings. My immediate response was along the lines of “fuck that – she’s too busy to call me back, but she can make time to take HB’s dog to the park? Is dog park time really better than fucking (or sleeping with or having sex with) Trevor time??” Don’t worry, I got over the initial response fairly quickly, but it did get me thinking. Thus the essay you’re reading.

[5] For an example, see the immediately preceding paragraph.

[6] I don’t know any of these things about HB for sure; I’m inferring them from what little I do know. And just so you know, HB and I didn’t spend the whole night we were out talking about you or even about our respective dealings with you. We did a little, sure, but the majority of our conversation was about family stuff and our histories of drug use and how we both feel about fighting. I like HB, and bear her absolutely no ill will. This isn’t about her – it’s about you and me.

[7] That’s a terrifying thing for me to ask from you. Terrifying enough that while I write this I’m convinced that after you read it you won’t talk to me ever ever again. I mean, you have commitment issues and I have abandonment issues… doomed from the start, eh? Though, if I’m right about this being ‘it’’, it’s really a shame for you – I’m pretty neat, and you’d be missing out. If I’m wrong, maybe there is a benevolent deity and the world isn’t doomed after all. There was a point, a couple of weeks ago – when you were shaving me, marking me (over my heart of all places), and really talking to me (through those cracks in your wall) - when I felt like something approaching primary was a real possibility; that was actually the point that the idea came into my head for the first time. I didn’t figure out how to really say it until tonight, and I’m still not sure if I’m explaining myself clearly. Maybe I misunderstood the whole thing. Could you let me know?

[8] This is why I was never good at this sort of writing… give me 19th century German phenomenology or a project doing exegesis on colonization of the body, or anything but trying to explain my emotions and ask for what I want.

colonization of the body

I've started something that might grow into a big big paper... all about drugs and money and power and the catholic church and colonization and the body and 'vulnerable populations' and paternalism and feminist strategies for decolonization. CC wants to do a zine on the topic -- we talked about it at safehouse last night until well past my bedtime. She makes my brain happy.

G#1 is being a valentine's scrooge, and I'm not sure how to get around it. I really do like her, tho.
she smells right and makes me feel safe and important and appreciated.
academia is home.
Rumpole is at work today and I really like that.
90 hour work weeks make me exhausted.
my car doesn't seem very fond of 200 mile daily commutes.
my laundry fairy is AWOL.
the dogs didn't do the dishes again.
i think i might get laid this weekend.
I want to feel cute.
i have to do creative financing now to come up with rent and bills... sigh... how long does it take for expense reports to get reimbursed?
that's my story.

cheerful. friendly. i'm the nice one.

though you'd never know it looking over my last few posts. really -- I'm usually a relatively happy person. and I *am* the nice one. I think I'm going to do a little work on what makes me happy -- and let it show a little more.

sappy mcsapperton.

grumble grumble

::sigh::

I'm working 70-some-odd hours a week, my dogs feel neglected, I absolutely have to do laundry before I go to SF, I'm feeling pushed aside by G#1 though I don't know why... her behavior isn't pushing-asiding, so maybe I'm just being overly sensitive and demanding and needy.

grumble grumble.

and the fucking stupid fuckhead fuck

...is being inaugurated today. Can I crawl into a hole and die now? or at least take a mental health day? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

death to the fascist insects

and here my troubles began:

stupid coworker bought 'breakfast' with company money for everyone but me.
'breakfast' = smoked fried pig muscle... my desk now reeks of bacon.

stupid biostatistician can't open a spreadsheet without corrupting it... so I have to send him a hard copy and our computers are vintage 1986.

stupid corporate doesn't think we need admin staff, so I get to be receptionist, recruiting, and regulatory.

lovable, overworked, type A mom is taking advantage of me...
no benefits, no holidays, temp status, doing 3 jobs for $10 an hour cuz I love my mom.

love cream

so we have a monitor here for our love cream study and I can't stop flirting with her.... but she seems to be flirting right back.

Wonder Drug Tablets

(I changed the actual drug name to Wonder Drug, and the drug company name is similarly altered, but other than that this is the exact text of a MedWatch Report that arrived in my email this morning. What a wacky field I'm in.)
---------------------------------------------------------
...What are the possible or reasonably likely side effects of Wonder Drug Tablets?

Wonder Drug Tablets can cause serious side effects that lead to death including
lung damage, liver damage, and worse heartbeat problems.

Some other serious side effects of Wonder Drug Tablets include:

• vision problems that may lead to permanent blindness. You should have regular
eye exams before and during treatment with Wonder Drug Tablets. Call your doctor
if you have blurred vision, see halos, or your eyes become sensitive to light.

• nerve problems. Wonder Drug Tablets can cause a feeling of “pins and needles” or
numbness in the hands, legs, or feet, muscle weakness, uncontrolled movements,
poor coordination, and trouble walking.

• thyroid problems. Wonder Drug Tablets can cause hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism.
Your doctor may arrange regular blood tests to check your thyroid function
during treatment with Wonder Drug. Call your doctor if you have weight loss or weight
gain, restlessness, weakness, heat or cold intolerance, hair thinning, sweating,
changes in your menses, or swelling of your neck (goiter).

• skin problems. Wonder Drug Tablets can cause your skin to be more sensitive to the
sun or to turn a bluish-gray color. In most patients, skin color slowly returns to normal
after stopping Wonder Drug Tablets. In some patients, skin color does not return
to normal.

Other side effects of Wonder Drug Tablets include nausea, vomiting, constipation, and
loss of appetite.

Rx only
Manufactured for
Big Pharmaceuticals Inc.
Anytown, Rust Belt, USA
by Obscure Biotech Company

translation:
“You’ll go blind, your hair will fall out, you’ll start twitching uncontrollably, and you’ll turn blue; but it’s covered by most major insurance plans and boy, is it a blockbuster!”

dirty deeds done dirt cheap

been a long time, eh? the new house is now officially christened... by GNO of all people... they're coming to hook up my phone right now, and I'm on my way to be oriented to the intricacies of philosophy tutoring for the brain-injured.

I've been chewed on and roughed up and I'm strangely perfectly fine with it (so far).

we'll see if it takes another 90 days to hear back.

crazy-tragic-sometimes-almost-magic-awful-beautiful-life

(title shamelessly ripped off from a mediocre country song)
the story so far, in declarative sentences:
I have the barrio cuteness house starting january first -- hooray for me!!!
The current landlord is crazy -- I'm talking to a lawyer this afternoon about the 5-day pay-or-vacate I received yesterday attached to all of the bills she hasn't sent me. I really don't want to move twice in 3 weeks.
"Team America World Police" is a deeply disturbing film.
Beyond Bread had yummy soup yesterday.
One job wasn't enough so i interviewed today for a gig teaching philosophy to brain damaged college students. literally --- they're called "special learners." I'll know if I get it by the 17th.
Tonight is the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament @ plush.
Tomorrow is folksinger's show @ the wench
Friday we're supposed to go line dancing
Saturday is the street fair and michelle's birthday and I've agreed to sing a neil diamond duet at carry-okey.
something's going on on sunday, but I don't remember what.
mom's on her way to FL on friday -- yaaaaaaaay!
the audit starts on monday.
I talked to boy #1 for almost an hour last night. I'll be visiting him in January. hmmmm.
I've had a headache and absurdly tense muscles for 3 days now.
I need smooches and backrubs and snuggling and compliments.

blurry cuteness

piggyback muppet all pixellated and cute

weekend update

45,000 year old bat poop
brown furry 80,000 year old ground sloths
cave bacon
wine tasting in the rain (!) in Arizona (!)
thai food
relatively witty gender performance
surreptitious hand-holding
intelligent conversation
making new friends
not getting a speeding ticket
rescuing an unpotted cyclamen from the top of the ATM
delivering said cyclamen to a good home
fair trade coffee
attempting to find a sweater
being offended by the racist t-shirt store
being incensed by the cat woman
hot apple cider and quiche
kindness
the doberman at the candle store
a non-crackling fire
artichokes
an absurdly large pot of chili
grilled cheese sandwiches
silly romantic comedies
red stripe beer
the jukebox at the surly wench
launching the cue ball all the way over the table and halfway across the bar
good advice
the bbc world service on dark rainy nights
snuggly down comforters

it was a good weekend.